“Darkness of Which I’ve Spun”

Darkness of Which I’ve Spun, Oil on Canvas 34x34in, 2018

For most of my life I’ve been disconnected and stuck in a spiral of confused about who I am, as most of us have, but as British French West Indian, half black and white nonbinary person coming to terms with all the labels that can be used to describe myself has felt like an endless rollercoaster ride. I was raised in a different country from the one I was born in by parents who differed in race and nationality between themselves and me as well. The separation in identity from my parents and peers forced me to look elsewhere for validation on how I should act and what racial/ethnic side of myself should I abide to because I constantly felt like an alien compared to the people around me. It’s taken an immense amount of introspection throughout my young adult life to understand the complexities of who I am and I unconsciously express my discontentment with having to dilute myself to fit into white American standards in this piece “Darkness of Which I’ve Spun” which I also painted in conjunction with “Old Friends''

Although my intentions at the time of painting this were unclear, it has recently been a symbol of how I’ve had to push my blackness into the shadows in an attempt to embody white feminine ideals that have pressured me throughout my whole life. I was brought up in southern-esque dominantly white neighborhoods where it’s not so cool to be different. As a person of mixed everything, growing up I found it harder for me to gain acceptance from my peers since I was too ambiguous to be grouped into one category within a country that loves to divide people by their physical characteristics first. Luckily I’ve avoided severe alienation, but now the loneliness is catching up to me because being different in whatever kind of way puts you into your own category of “do not disturb”. Regardless, people haven’t skipped a beat when it comes to questioning the beauty of my black features like my big curly hair, lips and backside. It’s been frustrating to witness that recently these same features have been overly fetishized in mainstream media and now people have rigorous work out plans and pay thousands of dollars at the cost of my self esteem. 

I was belittled my whole life by white people for everything. They made me feel so undesirable and unrespectable and yet I still wanted to be just like them so I could finally feel free, free of all the things I didn’t want to be, which was me. It’s taken me so long to unpack the racism, xenophobia, homophobia, and colorism, that usually wasn’t directed toward me but it cut so deeply because those attributes were a big part of me. I am a queer female colored immigrant, a quadrupole minority with too many categories and so many ism’s and ia’s that have kept me from me embracing myself as just another human being experiencing a life on earth, but no I am an alien but “we must steal their technology before they use it against us” - superior white people with no color, no flavor and no love to spare.

Before it was somewhat socially acceptable for colored people to wear their curly hair, I was constantly asked why I never wore my hair down but yet the moment I would try to let my curls loose I was told to straighten it or put it away because it was too big. It is heartbreaking to me that some brown and black femmes still feel like they have to hide themselves behind curly and straight haired wigs because it’s too scary to show white people the real thing. Myself and other black/ brown people have been treated like objects and our feelings have been extremely disregarded our whole lives. Even though we are seeing more praise and representation of colored people in the media, I can’t help to feel like we are still being taken advantage of. You freely take the shape of our bodies, skin and behaviors to separate yourselves from the crowd and to many it may seem as a compliment but to me it’s humiliating. Imitation is not always the best form of flattery, especially when there is a lack of effort to stand up for all minorities in real life through legislation and just as fellow humans. Even as an adult, I’ve been in classrooms and other people’s homes where I’m asked if “I use my hair as a pillow” and am unexpectedly bought watermelon at dinner to feel “comforted and seen” and I am the one whose expected to stand up for myself amongst a sea of white people who get to witness me being made fun of based off of the stereotypes of my skin color rather than considering my preferences simply as a human being, separate from my nationality, ethnicity or race. Duh, absolutely my hair is soft and fluffy so next time buy me a baguette with camembert cheese if you want to use me as a pillow, but oops actually I'm vegan now so you should have asked me. I have to fight for my body in so many ways and none of them come easy to me, specifically the extra effort I have to use to convince people that I am not African American. I lost a large part of my racial and foreign identity because of my attempt to fit into some kind of American standard that I have never seemed to successfully discover, and yet no matter what small dark alley of pure acceptance I try to go down within this land of many and equal opportunity I can never escape the limbo of oppression in this country.

As a queer brown immigrant female person I know exactly what it's like to have your voice be suppressed and it's cost many black and brown lives for people to finally take the time to listen and understand what it's like to be a colored person living in the land of the not so free. I’m scrutinized if I’m too expressive and deemed unstable if I show any ounce of anger because then I’ll just be another “loud angry black woman” and so the only way I’ve allowed myself to scream is through painting. But I remind myself of this, the devil does not laugh loudly, since when has god been perceived as the serious one, so I will continue to be extra in any form possible and I encourage anyone else like me to take up the space that we’ve been denied for so long. Mainstream culture is so quick to identify people by material, which includes the fabric of your skin, rather than the essence of who we are beyond our physiological body. Remember this too, if you build up walls of self preservation after sometime you realize that they are also walls of self imprisonment, but the ultimate liberation comes from within. How you view and treat yourself based on the reality of others, is what will keep you held captive for eternity and in turn you will diminish the light of others trying to fit them into a box that you can’t even fit into yourself. We are not bound by our experiences, rather I have become freed by the realization that I am boundless because of the quality of my character that so happened to be shaped from these experiences. 

It’s truly been a burden to be stuck in misunderstanding both sides of who I am, but life isn’t so black and white even though my blood says I am. I’ve let the dark sentiments of others spin wildly in the back of my head and figural painting has allowed me to melt away the white American ideals that have kept me ashamed and disconnected from myself for so long. I’ve escaped sudden death many times because of my will to let my demons out onto a blank canvas and this type of self reflection has helped me seek change within myself for the benefit of not only myself but with how I treat others. This has truly brought me purpose and all the self confidence and acceptance that I stand with today.

I encourage anyone who is looking for a boost in morality to watch “Consciousness: The Ultimate Intelligence – Sadhguru” speaking at the Visionary Women Conference 2018. This has helped me come to terms with the chaos that is my life lol. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4evBv-ljZAA&t=2359s 

Lastly…

Dear White People,